We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
