New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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