and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
