i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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