So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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