wanna go halves on a baby?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
