she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
did you just send me my own nude
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
