You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
