Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize