Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
