Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He felt like a one man threesome
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
