i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
