I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
