I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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