i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
