I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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