I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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