Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
