When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
