Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
