Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
