My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
