these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
