i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
