I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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