just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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