I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
