I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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