can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
