you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
