I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
