Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
