Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
