I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
