Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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