Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
