I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
