don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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