So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
