Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
