that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
