Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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