Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
