im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
