I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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