I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
