Three words: puerto rican gang bang
found the other keg... it's in the tree
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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