someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
