True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
