I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
